in this very moment, my mind has been gripped with a single, yet magnificent, bold and numerous realization….as some of you may know (and if you don’t know, you are not a homo sapien), humans mess up. often. oh my, the calculations of my own are far too many to number. as i look back into the earlier years of my life and then slowly step forward day to day, making my way into the present time, the mistakes that i have made stack up rapidly, piling one on another, seemingly as large as a mountain. wow. i have done a lot of things that should have been steps to Godliness, but at those particular moments in time, i foolishly chose a path of disobedience. when i take a step back and look at my mountain of regret, my heart cringes. my gut feels like a tornado composed of shame is tearing it into pieces. i can scarcely look into the mirror, i am sick at what i see. i want to run far away from the extending hand of grace that Jesus possesses. my hope is drowned, attached to a heavy anchor, sinking into the depths of unknown. what can i do to compensate? nothing. there is not a single thing that i could do to repay what i have lost. but then i remember, there is this certain God that i know, my Best Friend, Redeemer, Father…He paid what i can not…
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
-psalm 130
truly, He diminished my mountain. He forgave me, separated my mistakes farther than the east is separated from the west. He trashed them, erased them. gone. yes, He really did. it captivates my very being just to think about this mercy and grace that is freely given. i have said all this to iterate the next point, the one that i posed in the very first sentence. the realization. ok….here it is. God still WANTS to know us. even after all the times that we have spit sin into His face, and rejected His ways. He never leaves us. if a mere human being were to know us at our rawest form, unhidden, they would surely dismiss our company. but God….He wants us near Him. after all the damage that our hands have caused, He repairs. He continues searching our thoughts, guiding us, He still pursues us! think about it. here is a psalm. you should really read the entire chapter of 139…i’ll paste the few verses that are hammering inside of my head…
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
Wow! Everything you said is so magnificently true. If we are truly and brutally honest with ourselves (just ourselves, not even our closest friends), we know how great of a sinner we are. I believe that is what motivated Paul to call himself “chief” among sinners. But we are so afraid to be brutally honest with ourselves, because we know that it would only lead to such guilt and pain as you described, Jayln. We would writhe away into a wilting pile of pity until all that was left was a bruised and broken individual. BUT… that is where God’s love is the most astounding, the most amazing, the most inconceivable, the most comforting, and the most crucial. When we are in those seemingly low points, that is when we are highest. Not because of anything in us (far be it from us to take any credit whatsoever!), but only and solely because of Christ! When we are so low that we have nowhere to turn but Christ, that is when our eyes are truly open. For even when circumstances are good and our life seems to be on the right track and everything is going right… even then we are still just as helpless as when we are low. It’s just that when things are going well, we put blinders on and think that we got there by our own hard work.
I find myself praying quite often (and if anyone heard me praying, they would think I was a masochist) that God would tear me down and bring me low, no matter how much it hurts. Because I know that in those times, when I feel isolated from everything else, those are the times when I feel closest to God and to my precious Savior, Jesus!
Miss Jayln,
We are all lucky that Love does not keep score/record. Gods love most of all.
<3 Ya